July 14, 2008
Last Wednesday, I joined my coworkers in a company getaway to the Mecca of theme parks, Six Flags Great Adventure. I highly recommend going, if only for the obesity and bad tattoos. What made the afternoon particularly sweet was that we purchased the “Gold Flash Pass,” which allowed us to forgo the atrocious lines that inevitably accompany all the good rides. It was the first time I’ve ever had the privilege of employing such a pass, and I must tell you, it feels great to leave the other minions in the dust. But you mustn’t look them in the eye…their loathsome glares will singe your retina. It’s almost like ostentatiously flaunting your wealth, akin to wearing a Rolex the size of a tennis racket. I’m allowed this moment of self-righteousness…the next time I go on my own, I will no doubt be sweating and bitching in line with the common folk.
All digressions aside, the reason for this post is to praise the beast that is Kingda Ka, aka the nastiest roller coaster ever constructed. This thing will tear your face off. Utilizing a hydraulic accelerator, Kingda Ka launches your sorry ass from zero to 128 bloody miles per hour in 3.5 seconds. Since the rider never knows exactly when the launch will occur, waiting for the start is liable to induce cardiac arrest. Not to mention the fact that you have to wait in your car as you witness the train in front of you get launched into oblivion. If you survive the launch, you climb straight up to reach the apex of 456 feet only to come careening back to earth seconds later. When it’s all said and done and you can feel your limbs again, you realize that you’ve ridden the tallest and fastest roller coaster in the world. When I finished riding the thing, I couldn’t stop laughing for several minutes. I have no idea why.
Check out this video that someone took while sitting in the front row. How they held on to the camera and avoided the decapitation of the passenger behind them is a miracle. I get nervous just watching them about to launch.